My Wasp, Frederick

   So, I haven't been able to post pics of my new adventure. However things are still underway. So I will let you in on what I am doing and then it may be of more interest, maybe ;)
  We, my husband and I, have decided to buy an RV pack up our tribe of 8 beautifully amazing kiddo's and head west! Yup, you heard me right we are heading west. To greener pastures there yonder (thick western drawl in voice). We have turned in our notice to vacate. Sorting through the items we absolutely MUST keep. Placing them in a storage unit. Selling, giving, and donating the rest. We will be taking clothes, food, and our debit card. I work from home anyway and it can be done anywhere.
  I began doing that years ago when I knew I couldn't let anyone else raise my kid's. I thought I was just being a control freak and came to realize, "No, I was being a mom". It is what I signed up for. I chose to get pregnant,or not take precautions to not get pregnant. So delivering and then raising them was the next obvious step, to me. (Although I do things my own way, for sure)
I know most women feel they raise there kids, however if your child spends majority of their time with someone else and a few waking hours with you before sleeping the rest of the night. Then I'm sorry but you are not raising your kids. You are paying for someone else to "raise" them while you enjoy the mini moments of parenthood. I've done it both ways and I know being home with them full time is harder than being away for most the day..sorry if this stings but it is what it is. If you don't have time for them now they'll not have time for you when they older. "Cat's in the cradle"!  Whew, I don't know where that came from but there it is.
     Back on topic; my wasp, Fredrick. We are leaving life as we have known it behind!!For the last 20 years we have been the average family. Mom and dad find ways to pay the bills. Whatever it takes! Kid's are in school most the day, play sports, perform in plays, practice musical instruments, homework, chores (hopefully). We run from here to there attempting to get it all done while keeping our sanity! Hoping our marriage holds up while we grow further apart in our daily tasks. Attempting to rekindle the flame by periodic dating, feeling guilty for leaving the kid's, feeling resentful for feeling guilty. Wanting time while wanting to serve my neighbors, friends, family. Feeling selfish for wanting to be alone and annoyed that it's selfish to want something for me. All while trying to have a decent schedule at home with dinner at a decent time, hopefully before 9 pm. A clean house, well semi orderly at least and enough energy to do it again tomorrow. Whatever "it" is.
   Yeah, that life, we are leaving it behind us and venturing into a whole new world!
   My oldest is 17, my youngest is 2. I have a 15,13,12,9,6,and 5 year old between. They are all ours and it has been a blast but not quite what I was wanting and definitely not what I dreamt about! (as you'll know if you read my previous post ;). So we are packing them up and moving out.
  We intend to be on the road by the middle of March and quite frankly, it's beginning to scare the buh-jeezies out of me! Enter Fredrick! My hubs and I went out shopping for our 4yr old. now turned 5. And when we returned there was a wasp in the sink. Now I currently live in Utah. It's February 27th and there is 4 inches of snow still on the ground. I haven't seen a wasp for months and I would have noticed if he'd just been trapped in the house. SoI couldn't very well kill the poor thing, after all he'd survived this long! And putting him outside would obviously kill him. So, that wasn't an option. The only humane thing to do, I decided was that we allow him to just chill. After all he was a very large wasp and he was probably going to die soon anyway given the circumstances and the fact that its winter! Really, he could barely fly, how much of a threat was he? Hardly, right?
  As the night went on he did fly. From the kitchen out into the living room to "bee" with the family. haha!
  He landed on the ground and just crawled around. Everyone was careful not to step on him, remember we are trying not to kill the guy. It seems even the dogs and cat are avoiding Fredrick. (and yes we intend on taking them with us, there will be more on that later) So everyone is giving Fredrick space to just exist. I'm sitting on the floor watching him crawl around completely amazed that he is so calm and chill. Maybe he really is gonna die soon. Then I think, "pick him up". What, are you insane? There is no way! He would sting me for sure! So I don't. I just watch him. The thought comes again but it's more a feeling  "pick him up" I begin to argue with the idea of picking him, Frederick, up. I mean hello he is a wasp! According to some research they sting just because they can and they don't die. oh no! They can sting multiple times with out dying and go on there merry way and I would be left with a bunch of wasp stings! No thank you I'll NOT be picking up the wasp.I mean heavens he could sting me and then what? I'd look like a complete dork for thinking I could pick up a wasp! All the while Frederick is still crawling around the floor. We were blowing up balloons for my daughters birthday and my 2 year old hands me a balloon and there is Frederick right on the deflated balloon. I just about freaked! However, I maintained my cool, because he wasn't being aggressive, I mean this guy must really be on his last leg! I place the balloon Fredrick is sitting on in a corner by the armoire. We continue blowing balloons and chatting when i notice him back out in the middle of the floor once again crawling in circles. I have the same suggestion to pick him up go through my head.
Now, a bit about me, i believe in that kind of stuff. I believe that when something explainable happens there is a message and if you pay attention to the subtleties you will here it, the message. So, I asked him. I asked Frederick, in my mind of course. If he had a message for me and what it was. And I had a a feeling, a knowing, a suggestion if you will and I knew. Wasps are scary creatures to most people the mere sight of them causes people to get nervous. Your heart beats just a tad faster, you begin to worry you might get stung, which of course means pain and no one like that. You might even justify in your mind killing them because they serve no purpose, at least to your knowledge. So killing it's not a big deal. Then I had to take note that it had made absolutely no aggressive moves towards anyone in the duration of time it had been in our home, and with 8 kids, 2 dogs, and a cat that is not the most subdued of settings.
  i then understood it's message when communication happens without words it's instantaneous. You know like when you and your bff give each other that look and you know exactly what they mean without a word? It's like that! I knew, he was delivering a message of encouragement. I knew what he was saying. He was saying, "This undertaking, this step to follow your dream. It's huge! It's scary! It's nerve racking! It's surreal! It's unrealistic! It's intimidating! Who are you to think you can? What if you get hurt? What if you look stupid? What if it doesn't go like you think? What if you look like a fool?" I continued to watch him crawl around then i stated in my mind, " If you want me to pick you up, I can't. You'll have to come to me". I was still to terrified! what if I was wrong and that's not what he was saying at all? I know i could sound contradictory but at moments like this when your courage is being challenged your mind is reeling!
  Well, guess what he did? Fredrick crawled over to my left foot. I was sitting on the floor with my back against the couch and my feet flat on the floor holding my 2 yr old at this point. He layed right beside the outside of my left foot! I was terrified! Here is where the rubber would hit the road, would he sting me? Am I a complete fool? He nestled there for a minute and I thought, "Oh, he's cold. that's all he just wants some warmth then he'll go to sleep or die". well he did neither. i turned my attention to the show the kids were watching and I feel it! I feel him probing my foot with his front legs and antennas! eek! it's gonna happen, he's gonna sting me! I'm so stupid!
  Well, he doesn't he crawls onto my foot! Just like I asked!!! "I can't pick you up, you'll have to come to me?" I couldn't believe it. So instead of panicking like I wanted to. I breathed! In and out evenly while all the while telling my self it's ok. My daughter however is like, " Mom, it's crawling on you!" And for her sake and the hope that she'll not fear as well as keep myself in check I say, " I know honey its ok". Well he continues to crawl around my foot. then up the outside of my pant leg, to my arm that was cradling my son. Down to my hand and around my hand. At this point it really isn't bothering me much. i just don't want him to sting my sleeping baby! Wait? Why now would he decide to sting my baby? i take another breathre and realize he's teaching me not to be afraid! Even though it can look intimidating and others may have an opinion about it. The truth is you don't have to be scared! So I breathe and he decides I get it. At least thats how I felt. And he flies away. He flies away! This guy isn't dying! He flies all around like he has renewed energy! To the degree yo can hear him buzzing and all the kid's look up to watch him. Then I understand the rest of his message. "When you breathe through the fear of embracing your hearts desires, you will soar!"Fredrick Wasp. Always as a little girl I desperately wanted to talk to animals, bugs, butterflies, all the beautiful things of the world that I couldn't understand. I wanted to speak multiple languages. I wanted to communicate with everything and everyone without disruption. However I was always afraid I couldn't and inadvertently would hold my breathe "wishing" that I could rather than believing I could! Breathing and releasing the fear, reminding myself, no matter how big it is, no matter how intimidating or terrifying, we'll be ok. we can do this! When I do that, breathe and relax, I engage what is required to let myself soar and have the experience life on a whole new level! Thank you Fredrick!

May you soar to new heights!
love and hope,
Leilani :)

Is being a mom enough?

      Ok, so I'm coming clean. I have always dreamed of living a life traveling and experiencing the world. I always believed that I would speak multiple languages, be thin, and have amazing opportunities and events to recall from my own memory.
    Well the truth is, I do have amazing events that I can recall from my own memory but, I'm not thin, yet ;) and I don't have the all the events and experiences that I had hoped for.
  I do have amazing kids, an awesome family life, date my husband regularly, make my own laundry soap, love to cook from scratch, can organize multiple event's, and keep the house clean ( ok, that is an exaggeration, I'll admit ;) BUT, I do, do the laundry, paint the house, redecorate, and love family time! So, I should be totally happy, right? I mean really that should be enough, shouldn't it? After all there is NOTHING that can compare to being a mom! And really being a mom is well worth the trade of any glamorous life. I mean if being something more was important than it would continue to nag at me, right? Like this yearning in my heart would exist, right? Like something that I know I need to remember to get done, right?
 I mean if it was important to be something more i would have already become it, right? I don't know? If it is enough then why do I still have a longing for more? I would never trade my experiences but could there be more? Could I have it all? Could I experience the world AND family life? Must I have one or the other?
Well, I believe I can! In the words of John Lennon, " Some say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one", I dream of a life where I take my amazing little crew, all 8 of them, and "we" experience the world together! I witness their individual expansion and expression of self as we journey through the world together! I'm well aware that I may be very unorthodox in so many way's. However, it is yet to be seen whether that is good or bad. I mean if good things come from your decision then it was good right?
  I'm not interested in raising clones or creating "mini me's". I really hope they think outside the box, see beyond their perspective and vantage point and in some way make a difference even if it's only in their own family.... guess I sound a lot like most mom's.
I must admit considering all the ways my "idea" could go wrong is enough to make me want to change my mind. But,  I am driven by the desire to raise contributing, self reliant, ambitious, loving, kind, progressive people. And the only way I can think to even accomplish this is to become one!!Somehow, I MUST become the person I hope they will be! Fearless, no, COURAGEOUS, daring, willing to take risks!! Happy, joyful, ALIVE!
     Funny thing is I was this way before I had kid's I would pretty much try anything that was not endangering  to anyone else. All of a sudden one day I became a mom and all my fears of what "could" go wrong began to govern my decisions. Rather than seeing how it "could" go right, I''d focus on the negative. I began to let fear run my life, some may say I just became responsible, but honestly I just began to feel cranky!  The fun girl I had been was replaced by a cranky ol' lady! So I've made a decision, I WILL become the woman I am meant to be! I will reawaken the fun girl that I know lies within me and I will look my fear straight in the idea and it will move! Because, no matter how big or how small each child has a purpose and something great within them and if i ever hope my children will find their's then I MUST find mine! And I really hope that mine will find there's :)

  Stay tuned the next blog will be good with pics of my plan!

What's my role?

    Okay, So I woke this morning and I've got a million things going through my mind that need to get done TODAY!
   So, I'm thinking it'd be great for my hubber's to drive the kid's to school so I can start checking items off my to do list. When he says, "Are you gonna drive the kid's to school?" hmmm... I didn't act soon enough, if I'd have asked first then of course he'd have done it but now that he has inquired my excuse seems feeble, to me anyway. "I can hear myself now, " Well, I was gonna start on this and that, because they have to get done today!" at least in my mind they do.and you know 10 minutes will make a tremendous difference!  and yes it will in more ways' than I realized.
  In reality and the light of it all I know is my check list can wait. I say to him, " I guess that means you don't want to drive them." He replies that he will drive them and he really would but that reminds me "Babe it's the little things that they remember."  I know I could have easily tossed that back at him but why? Why exactly would I be doing that? what point would I prove? I mean it's not a competition is it?
   I look at him for a minute thinking he's trying to get out of something and then realizing I must be accusing him of this because I want to get out of it. So, rather I kiss him lightly and take my kid's to school. As I'm driving me and the kid's are chatting, then I realize he's right.  It's not a task it's a privilege. Even though it's cold, and even though it's early, and even though I'm technically "not ready for the day, and someone could see me". They don't care! My 2 kiddo's that I drove to school had a moment, a moment when they knew they were the most important thing to me. A moment when even as short as a drive as it was it was a gentle reminder that "I'll drop everything for you". Whether they remember this specific moment or not. It's in their memory bank, their subconscious, the most powerful part of the brain! And in there is that memory, me taking time for them. It also reminded me of when I needed even the smallest thing from my parents and whether they were there or not and how that affected our relationship now. Hmmmm, it's been  awhile since I've talked to my folks :(  that's another story in itself!

    Anyway, it's funny when I was a kid the social slogan for parents was to be a parent not a friend. Apparently there was a lot of bad parental behaviors. Parent's were trying so hard to be liked by there kid's, they were placing their kid's in danger's path. Throwing parties for them and providing the booze and drugs. Although, I don't recall any of my peers having such cool parents ;) I mean, they were like all up in our business. Where are you going? What are you doing? Who's gonna be there? Where have you been? It was horrible! :)  (I'm kidding!) Maybe there were a handful of parents that were trying to hang on to their youth but the majority of parents were very responsible. That said I still witnessed a generation of parents going from a place of talking WITH with their kid's to talking AT their kid's! Interesting huh?, I can only imagine if I were to talk AT my friends our relationship would probably turn to sh*t! REALLY FAST!!

     However, as a mom of 8 I  must say the more I treat my kid's the way I would treat my friend the better relationship we have. I mean really, I would be there if my friend need a ride even if it was just down the street. I'd talk to my friend about my concern regarding their choices. I'd let them know I love "them" regardless that they might be acting like an ass! I'd realize if they felt VERY strongly about something it must be of importance and not just disregard them to being a brat. Or punish them for being frustrated or upset. And definitely I wouldn't be hitting them! Even if they did dance on the table or draw on the wall. I would however have to explain to them that isn't ok to dance on the table, you could fall off! And drawing on the walls isn't alright either. that's what paper is for. (Because they may just be trying to embrace their primitive ancestry where scribbling on walls in caves was acceptable!) So, of course as beautiful as it is WE DON"T do it and show them where the scratch paper is ;)  and also, they now can help me clean it up. Lovingly of course! After all they are my friend and I'd like to keep it that way!
  Interesting, I'd also never let them drink and drive, I'd tell them if they'd had too much. I'd never say they were fat or ugly! I'd never challenge their intelligence, well I might in a teasing manner, regarding their obvious blunder...good humor is critical in relationships!  I'd remember being anything but who I am truly would make our friendship a sham so I'd be me and I'd be honest! ALWAYS!!

  What could this possibly have to do with me driving my kid's to school? Well I realized I sometimes get so caught up in my "To-Do checklist" I forget to make/take time for those that matter most. When my 2 yr old is pulling me to please sit down and watch "blues clues" with him while I'm clearing the counter and cleaning the kitchen. and I am exasperated because I do not want to watch that it is of NO VALUE to me. I remember, right now, I am his best friend! Maybe I ought to treat him like he matters to me too. After all the kitchens not going anywhere.

   You define what is most important to you by where you spend your most precious commodity, time.

May love keep you!