Bessie may be burnt but now I'm feeling it....

  Bessie may be burnt but I am feeling it now! Initially, I was worried about the boy's who had chosen to act poorly. I was concerned about how this was going to affect them long term. If they had entered adulthood and this act would haunt them for the rest of their lives! Well, they are juveniles.

  Now, I am experiencing a new set of emotions. My compassion isn't gone. However, is is now properly reflecting not only for them but for my family's well fare as well!! 

  

  My husband is always telling me how naive I am. But being I wasn't a saint as a kid I couldn't fathom what he meant. I was certain these kids only had a moment of poor judgement. That is until these random older ladies parked there car in my driveway. older meaning 50-60 ish.

 My daughter said she saw 2 cars pull into the driveway, a white sedan and  the black pick up you see in the pic.

  They were there for a bit. When she came around the house again. The white sedan was gone and the black pick up was still there! This happened around 1pm. Around 6:30 pm. I was putting the sprinklers on when I noticed the pick up. We spend most of our time out back. We have a 2nd driveway there that we use. Anyway, When i see the truck my first thought is WTH!? I call my landlady to ask if it was her's, anything's possible, right? It's not she is actually a bit shocked that it's there. She tells me to have it towed. But I am a softy and want to give these people a chance to reclaim it. Maybe it's just a mix-up, right?

  The next morning I awaken and realize the pick-up is still out there. WTF!? Now I am becoming annoyed. 

I wait a few hrs. it's about 10 am now. The truck is still there. My annoyance is growing, I realize their bad decision ISN'T my fault or problem! In fact if for any random reason I had to park in someones driveway I would at least communicate with them before leaving it for almost 24 hours!!

  I begin thinking or considering would be a more accurate term, everything we've been going through and experiencing. The walks to the store because the van is inoperable. The inability to go ANYWHERE as a family because we have no means of transportation. The fact that I wanted to take the family hiking and then am suddenly jolted into the reality that I CAN'T! The truth that even though it is sweltering outside right now in a few months it will be winter. And that if I don't somehow have our Bessie replaced how do I expect to get to the hospital to deliver my baby? Not to mention, what if we had an emergency? What would we do? Run to the neighbors until we found someone who could drop everything they're doing to play chauffeur?Why? Because some little poo-poo- butt wanted to have a few thrills and throw fireworks into someone elses vehicle?  

  People have been so generous offering rides but how long can that last? They have their own families, they're supposed to just sit around with me while I do my thing? Or even if they left and came back that's still cutting inconveniently into their day. We can't attend any functions. I spend more on groceries because the store that is within walking distance is more expansive then where I usually go. I can't buy in bulk and forget buying anything from the refrigerated or freezer aisles, they'd melt on the way home!

  Suddenly, I understand what my husband means about me being naive! I never dreamed people could actually be mean for the sake of, BEING MEAN! It never dawned on me that someone would actually have ill intent. It was beyond my conception that another person could care so little for the well being of another! 

This car burning thing has really done a number on my family, but until these ladies randomly parked there car in my driveway without so much as a sign of remorse. I couldn't see it! I couldn't or wouldn't allow myself to see the ugly side of people. But, you know what seeing their ugliness has made me appreciate the beauty in others. perhaps I was seeing that skewed as well. Perhaps I never could truly appreciate the good in people because I couldn't see the ugly that COULD exist.

 So for that I am grateful! For those who choose to be good, kind hearted, beautiful people, THANK YOU!!! 

It is a choice, everything in life is. I choose to no longer hide my head in the sand pretending everything is "happy". I choose now to see it for what it is, let others take full response-ability for their actions and and have as much compassion for my situation as I have for another. Not feeling sorry for myself, yet feeling justice is deserved.

Bessie is BURNT!

   Last night at about 11:30 Robert (my 18 yr old) called his dad's phone. Rob and I had fallen asleep on the floor in the living room. We had been playing with the kids and dogs. Ate some apple pie and had dozed off. When Rob's phone rang we weren't prepared for what we heard. Even worse I was only hearing "this" side of the conversation. Rob is saying, " What? How? It's on FIRE? Get away from the van. Don't go near it." My mind is reeling. I am asking question's and getting no answers. "Call the fire department" Rob says. "Oh, ok", he replies. I'm like, "what?" What's going on?" Where is he?" My mind is running with images of my son driving down the street the engine bursting into flames and the fear of an exploding engine grips me. Is my son safe? What do we do?" Once Rob hangs up the phone we head out to Robert and our burning Bessie. My poor son. He probably thinks this is his fault. He will be blaming himself. I had mentioned he might find another ride to his friends party than relented and told him to take the van.  He'll be blaming himself. My heart was aching, my mind was reeling, I was confounded and had no real answers..... My boy.

  We approach the subdivision. The lights of the fire truck and police cars are whirling. The scene you never want to see. Even worse if it's for you. I know a burning car is a small thing compared to other life threatening experiences. However, for us Bessie isn't just a car. She's part of us.
  Last year Rob and I set out on a year long adventure across the country with our 8 kids. We gave away all that we had except some select items. traded in our Expedition and acquired "Bessie" for the trip. She wasn't pretty per se, but she had a strong engine, a 454 big block, that could get the job done. She could haul our family, our cargo, and was home base for that full year. She housed us, transported us, helped us create life experiences. She was amazing! And now, she was... burning.

    As we get closer the lights are strangely deafening. I can't seem to hear anything. There's glass on the ground. Bessie is parked beside the curb in an upper class neighborhood. She is spotlighted with a bright lights and there are groups of people on the outskirts of the perimeter blocked off by police.
  The fire fighters are trying to talk to us. Rob is talking as he walks, I just walk. Where's my boy?
I see a figure coming towards us with my son's gate. My body and senses relax. He's fine.  He comes up and says, "Hey". There's not much to say. The firefighters are telling us that it appears some kids threw fireworks into our Bessie and that's what started the fire. I wrap my arm around my boy, it's not his fault. He's heavy with burden, self blame, remorse for going to the party. My mind registers what the fire fighters are saying,
  "They threw fireworks into the van."    What? Someone did this intentionally? I realize I would have preferred for the engine to be on fire. Than it to be an inflicted act. It would be evidence that we don't maintain our van as well as we mean to. Not that another human willfully and thoughtlessly effected another negatively.
  I'm at a loss of words. "why?" Seems to be the only thing I hear in my head.

  I'm not angry. I am confused. I am sad. I am flabbergasted.

 I began asking the officers all sorts of questions. What category does this fall under. My mind can't think. "Arson." the officer replies.I'm sickened, that's a big deal. He explains that depending on the value of my car will define whether it is a misdemeanor or a felony. It's a 3rd degree felony.

Still aghast. I'm not crying, I'm laughing, keeping a light heart. I always choose to laugh when I can. Crying is reserved for people, not things. I'm sure it's a defense mechanism to control my vulnerability. I still prefer laughing. Rob thinks I am unreal. He's angry, sad, livid, speechless.  He wants to kick someones butt. He feels bad about the results. He feels bad for the stupidity of the kids.... I feel for him.

We wait hours for the fire investigator to arrive. We learn that the house across form our Bessie has a security camera that caught the whole thing on tape. It was intentional. Reason is still unknown till they apprehend the suspects. I'm sickened. They're just kids. Even worse they could be 18 pushing them out of childhood and into adulthood where the consequences and penalties are stiffer. Do they realize what they have done? What this means for them? How it is going to impact their life? I am aware these kids whether we press charges or not will have to answer for their actions. I am afraid for them. My heart aches for them. I imagine they are somewhere realizing the magnitude of what they've done and they don't know what to do. My hear hurts that they are probably getting calls from their friends from the party notifying them that the cops are there.
  I find myself hoping they have someone they can go to. I hope their parents have compassion for them once they find out.
 I was a stupid kid once who did stupid things. I never meant for anyone to get hurt but that doesn't mean it didn't effect them negatively. I feel for these kids. While at the same time I have no idea what my own family is going to do. My heart is torn.
I call my insurance company to file a claim. As I am talking Robert's friend who hosted the party approaches to see if we need anything. water? Coke? Candy? It was a party for High Schoolers and just graduated kids. There isn't any alcohol or drugs... at the party anyway. I need a toilet! I'm 5 months pregnant and my bladder is going to burst! I follow him to his house.  It's a beautiful home! Very well kept, clean, organized. There are pictures of Jesus on the walls. The house is HUGE. The feeling, amiable.

As I head back to where Rob, the officers, and Bessie are I am chatting still with the insurance lady. ( No, I didn't take the phone in to the bathroom. I had my son chat with her while I was "indispose"!) lol!!

As i arrive to Rob I end the call with the insurance company. I look up as the tow truck turns into the neighborhood. I feel a wet trail on my face and realize, 'I am crying'. I thought I was ok. I guess I do cry for things. Afterall this is BESSIE! I am surprised by my reaction.I am angry at the situation now. I am annoyed at the bad behaviors of others. I want to scream.! I just cry on Rob's chest, my body shakes. I push my hands against my face to smother the sound. My boy is within ear shot, I can't let him think I blame him. I am just mad! I feel helpless.

 The tow guy hooks Bessie up like no big deal and follows us home. He backs her into the driveway with expertise. Emotions are running high. Rob and i are suddenly arguing about where he should park. I get out of his truck. I watch him skillfully release Bessie from the tow gear. I am feeling the shock and gravity of it now. Being somewhere else helped remove the reality of it. But here, here in our driveway, it's real. He hands me the bill. I begin to, unsuccessfully, attempt not to cry. I have no money to pay this bill and they don't bill insurance. "Father, help me!" I whisper in my heart. I feel impressed to ask him if i can give him my debit card and ask him to run it in a few days after I have deposited some money. He looks at me wanting to help, but not be taken advantage of. He calls the office. They ok it. I can breathe! "Thank you Father." I whisper in my heart.
  I am still confused, I don't understand, I have a myriad of emotions running, I just want it to be different.

But I believe in every situation good can come from it. Question is. Whats the good here? What can I learn and how will it help me?

One may believe this was a random act. OR a coincidence. But i don't believe in that. I believe that what appears as chaos is simply our inability to understand, comprehend, or trust that everything has a purpose. God is at the helm. I believe this. I know this. We see chaos, he sees order that we don't understand.
I trust in the unseen system of Divinity.

A little more patience, a little more kindness, more thoughtfulness, And a LOT of prayer will change the world. I think I'll choose to learn to be more thoughtful, have more patience, show more kindness, And pray even more.

I'll pray for mercy, compassion, and that the lesson will be learned and others will also have more love and compassion for their fellow men/women.

What else is worth our time than a hope for a better future?
Much Love, light, and hope,
Leilani