Bessie is BURNT!

   Last night at about 11:30 Robert (my 18 yr old) called his dad's phone. Rob and I had fallen asleep on the floor in the living room. We had been playing with the kids and dogs. Ate some apple pie and had dozed off. When Rob's phone rang we weren't prepared for what we heard. Even worse I was only hearing "this" side of the conversation. Rob is saying, " What? How? It's on FIRE? Get away from the van. Don't go near it." My mind is reeling. I am asking question's and getting no answers. "Call the fire department" Rob says. "Oh, ok", he replies. I'm like, "what?" What's going on?" Where is he?" My mind is running with images of my son driving down the street the engine bursting into flames and the fear of an exploding engine grips me. Is my son safe? What do we do?" Once Rob hangs up the phone we head out to Robert and our burning Bessie. My poor son. He probably thinks this is his fault. He will be blaming himself. I had mentioned he might find another ride to his friends party than relented and told him to take the van.  He'll be blaming himself. My heart was aching, my mind was reeling, I was confounded and had no real answers..... My boy.

  We approach the subdivision. The lights of the fire truck and police cars are whirling. The scene you never want to see. Even worse if it's for you. I know a burning car is a small thing compared to other life threatening experiences. However, for us Bessie isn't just a car. She's part of us.
  Last year Rob and I set out on a year long adventure across the country with our 8 kids. We gave away all that we had except some select items. traded in our Expedition and acquired "Bessie" for the trip. She wasn't pretty per se, but she had a strong engine, a 454 big block, that could get the job done. She could haul our family, our cargo, and was home base for that full year. She housed us, transported us, helped us create life experiences. She was amazing! And now, she was... burning.

    As we get closer the lights are strangely deafening. I can't seem to hear anything. There's glass on the ground. Bessie is parked beside the curb in an upper class neighborhood. She is spotlighted with a bright lights and there are groups of people on the outskirts of the perimeter blocked off by police.
  The fire fighters are trying to talk to us. Rob is talking as he walks, I just walk. Where's my boy?
I see a figure coming towards us with my son's gate. My body and senses relax. He's fine.  He comes up and says, "Hey". There's not much to say. The firefighters are telling us that it appears some kids threw fireworks into our Bessie and that's what started the fire. I wrap my arm around my boy, it's not his fault. He's heavy with burden, self blame, remorse for going to the party. My mind registers what the fire fighters are saying,
  "They threw fireworks into the van."    What? Someone did this intentionally? I realize I would have preferred for the engine to be on fire. Than it to be an inflicted act. It would be evidence that we don't maintain our van as well as we mean to. Not that another human willfully and thoughtlessly effected another negatively.
  I'm at a loss of words. "why?" Seems to be the only thing I hear in my head.

  I'm not angry. I am confused. I am sad. I am flabbergasted.

 I began asking the officers all sorts of questions. What category does this fall under. My mind can't think. "Arson." the officer replies.I'm sickened, that's a big deal. He explains that depending on the value of my car will define whether it is a misdemeanor or a felony. It's a 3rd degree felony.

Still aghast. I'm not crying, I'm laughing, keeping a light heart. I always choose to laugh when I can. Crying is reserved for people, not things. I'm sure it's a defense mechanism to control my vulnerability. I still prefer laughing. Rob thinks I am unreal. He's angry, sad, livid, speechless.  He wants to kick someones butt. He feels bad about the results. He feels bad for the stupidity of the kids.... I feel for him.

We wait hours for the fire investigator to arrive. We learn that the house across form our Bessie has a security camera that caught the whole thing on tape. It was intentional. Reason is still unknown till they apprehend the suspects. I'm sickened. They're just kids. Even worse they could be 18 pushing them out of childhood and into adulthood where the consequences and penalties are stiffer. Do they realize what they have done? What this means for them? How it is going to impact their life? I am aware these kids whether we press charges or not will have to answer for their actions. I am afraid for them. My heart aches for them. I imagine they are somewhere realizing the magnitude of what they've done and they don't know what to do. My hear hurts that they are probably getting calls from their friends from the party notifying them that the cops are there.
  I find myself hoping they have someone they can go to. I hope their parents have compassion for them once they find out.
 I was a stupid kid once who did stupid things. I never meant for anyone to get hurt but that doesn't mean it didn't effect them negatively. I feel for these kids. While at the same time I have no idea what my own family is going to do. My heart is torn.
I call my insurance company to file a claim. As I am talking Robert's friend who hosted the party approaches to see if we need anything. water? Coke? Candy? It was a party for High Schoolers and just graduated kids. There isn't any alcohol or drugs... at the party anyway. I need a toilet! I'm 5 months pregnant and my bladder is going to burst! I follow him to his house.  It's a beautiful home! Very well kept, clean, organized. There are pictures of Jesus on the walls. The house is HUGE. The feeling, amiable.

As I head back to where Rob, the officers, and Bessie are I am chatting still with the insurance lady. ( No, I didn't take the phone in to the bathroom. I had my son chat with her while I was "indispose"!) lol!!

As i arrive to Rob I end the call with the insurance company. I look up as the tow truck turns into the neighborhood. I feel a wet trail on my face and realize, 'I am crying'. I thought I was ok. I guess I do cry for things. Afterall this is BESSIE! I am surprised by my reaction.I am angry at the situation now. I am annoyed at the bad behaviors of others. I want to scream.! I just cry on Rob's chest, my body shakes. I push my hands against my face to smother the sound. My boy is within ear shot, I can't let him think I blame him. I am just mad! I feel helpless.

 The tow guy hooks Bessie up like no big deal and follows us home. He backs her into the driveway with expertise. Emotions are running high. Rob and i are suddenly arguing about where he should park. I get out of his truck. I watch him skillfully release Bessie from the tow gear. I am feeling the shock and gravity of it now. Being somewhere else helped remove the reality of it. But here, here in our driveway, it's real. He hands me the bill. I begin to, unsuccessfully, attempt not to cry. I have no money to pay this bill and they don't bill insurance. "Father, help me!" I whisper in my heart. I feel impressed to ask him if i can give him my debit card and ask him to run it in a few days after I have deposited some money. He looks at me wanting to help, but not be taken advantage of. He calls the office. They ok it. I can breathe! "Thank you Father." I whisper in my heart.
  I am still confused, I don't understand, I have a myriad of emotions running, I just want it to be different.

But I believe in every situation good can come from it. Question is. Whats the good here? What can I learn and how will it help me?

One may believe this was a random act. OR a coincidence. But i don't believe in that. I believe that what appears as chaos is simply our inability to understand, comprehend, or trust that everything has a purpose. God is at the helm. I believe this. I know this. We see chaos, he sees order that we don't understand.
I trust in the unseen system of Divinity.

A little more patience, a little more kindness, more thoughtfulness, And a LOT of prayer will change the world. I think I'll choose to learn to be more thoughtful, have more patience, show more kindness, And pray even more.

I'll pray for mercy, compassion, and that the lesson will be learned and others will also have more love and compassion for their fellow men/women.

What else is worth our time than a hope for a better future?
Much Love, light, and hope,
Leilani